Heart Changes

Change Your Heart

Since the beginning of this year, I have spent many hours working on plans for my newest MadCAAP project, our Helping Hands Garden.  Meeting with Master Gardeners to discuss soil testing, soil amendments, crops to plant and how many yards of this or that to order has certainly broadened my base of knowledge and pushed me to step outside my comfort zone.  I’ve talked with dump truck drivers, fencing experts and even learned about gin trash. So what does this have to do with Joel’s directive that spoke so eloquently to me on Ash Wednesday? Rend your heart not your clothes, kept bringing images of tearing the heart or clothes to shreds or tiny pieces.  I’ve always had difficulty feeling myself to be this horrible, no good, very bad person…I do not view myself as perfect or without shortcomings, but shredding my heart to change it, just did not resonate with me.  As I puzzled over what it meant for me to engage in this heart changing exercise, an image from the garden project popped right into my thoughts…the image was of the dump truck emptying its contents into a pile and driving away.  Next my thoughts lit on my kitchen garbage can whose bag of overflowing trash must be removed and put outside so that a spotless new bag can be placed in the receptacle to start the process over again.  My heart and spirit have become stuffed with anxiety, frustration, sadness, disappointment, anger, expectations and maybe a smidgen of despair over the past month and I found myself wanting to run away or hide.  There was the continuous feeling of sadness…that I could not escape but the dump truck/garbage bag images have provided me with an idea that totally makes sense as a pattern to follow in rending my heavy-laden heart.  I have two images to pave the way for this change:  the bed of my dump truck shaped heart, slowly being raised to the point where all of its contents come sliding out into a landfill of sorts or the image of drawing the strings of the bulging garbage bag, tugging it from the can's clutches and removing it to a more appropriate receptacle.   Either way, my heart is changed and cleared of clutter for a time.